Fare-Thee-Well, Bucks County Playhouse!

This October, for my annual Google search for The Bucks County Playhouse I was confused when the familiar website did not present itself.  Minutes later, I was saddened to learned that the playhouse permanently closed its doors last December with A Christmas Carol being its last performance.

I first saw the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was 13-years-old and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that the movie and show is part of who I am.  Soon after falling in lust with the movie, I learned that there was an annual live show close to my house.

When I was 14, I started going to New Hope's Bucks County Playhouse once a year with my friends to embrace a nuttier side of ourselves that we don't often get to unleash.  This is the first place I learned that it's okay to be "this way".  Not only is it okay, it's really fun and awesome!  Over the years (11 of them now!), I have piled more and more favorites to my gay-culture-obsessed-mountain.

This isn't to say that the atmosphere "encouraged" me to be gay or it "rubbed off" on me, but I do think that there are large parts of myself I would have ignored and denied if I hadn't learned at a young age, being yourself isn't a sin, it's a stage, and it's a stone many people never step on.  Statistics tell us that homosexuality is a one-in-ten occurrence.  I think as time passes, and more and more people give others the courage to come out, we will find that the percentage is higher than people first predicted.  When it comes to this time, hopefully, we will all be able to embrace all the colors of life.

I think what appeals to me most about the LGBT community is, being lesbian/gay/bi/transgender is one of the quickest ways for other people to judge others harshly (in some cases, very harshly) and they don't care.  Well, saying they don't care isn't entirely true and it downplays their bravery.  It's not necessarily that they don't care, but they do it anyway.  And that takes serious courage.   

Me as a drag queen.

I've lacked this kind of courage for years.  Being as I'm bisexual and I've had a boyfriend since admitting the fact to myself and very few others, I haven't really felt the same need to come out as others may have.  I've been afraid of being judged.  I've been afraid that the few girl friends I've had/have would mistake any friendliness for something more and run away in horror or gossip to others with a falsely inflated ego.  Writing down these fears makes them seem all the more stupid.  Who cares?  The people I really enjoy the company know I don't like like them.  And the people whose judgement I'm fearing will get over it and still love me.

When I started writing this, this was just going to be about going to see Rocky Horror with my friends throughout the years!  Well, now this entry is about me being bisexual.  Happy LGBT History Month, everybody!

Changes

The feeling of changing seasons is a feeling that reminds me that I am alive.  The temperature, aromas, and the difference in the air is unshakable proof that whether or not I am living the dream, I am still living and a part of the human experience.  Or just a sentient experience since animals very well could sense these changes.  In fact, probably more so than people...Oy vey, I'm such a vegan.  And a Jew apparently.   

At any rate, Fall seems to be in full force.  Soon, I will have to buy tickets for Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the year will snowball to my sister and my birthday and into holidays.  Where does the time go?  Into Google searches perhaps.

Since the weather is changing, I seem to be reflecting on lot of changes in myself.  I need to re-tune and recharge I think.  I've got some things I need to fix.

Firstly, I've been looking for a decent job for over a year now.  The fact that I haven't been able to find one seems to have taken a toll on my self-esteem.  I'm more negative than I used to be.  On one hand, I give other people a lot of credit and think they are all generally trying their hardest and are good, smart, worthwhile people.  Yet, I rarely extend this kind of understanding to myself.  I need to judge myself lightly. 

For another thing, I hardly ever see things in black and white anymore.  Even when I'm inclined to do so.  I usually think about what ever issue is on my mind until I've analyzed each side of it completely.  By this time I have a strong opinion but also a thorough understanding of the other sides.  On one hand, I think that other people would benefit from this kind of thought process.  On the other hand, this kind of contemplation is exhausting.

Another sad change is how much I think about money because of the fact that I never have it.  I have scribbled on the back of countless pieces of scrap paper how much I'll bring home a certain week and how much I will need to stay afloat.  The fact that I also want to be sociable or at least feel the need to want to be sociable, adds further costs and feelings of desperation.

I think the most upsetting change in me is I've lost my love of life.  I've gotten into a mode of just going through the motions.  I'm going to fix this.



I recently re-watched some videos that have stuck with me since I first watched them almost 9 months ago.  The topics discussed are confidence and self-esteem.  Some of the wisest points include sifting through the bullshit and paying attention to the things you tell yourself.  At the end of the pep-talk, this YouTuber assigns homework.  She advices the viewer to think about the positive things about themselves and think, "Cool.  I'm a good person."  So here's my little list:

1.)  I try my hardest to do the right thing.
2.)  I am wildly creative.
3.)  I am interesting.
4.)  I would be friends with me.
5.)  I have awesome taste in stuff.

Cool.  I'm a good person.