Changes

The feeling of changing seasons is a feeling that reminds me that I am alive.  The temperature, aromas, and the difference in the air is unshakable proof that whether or not I am living the dream, I am still living and a part of the human experience.  Or just a sentient experience since animals very well could sense these changes.  In fact, probably more so than people...Oy vey, I'm such a vegan.  And a Jew apparently.   

At any rate, Fall seems to be in full force.  Soon, I will have to buy tickets for Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the year will snowball to my sister and my birthday and into holidays.  Where does the time go?  Into Google searches perhaps.

Since the weather is changing, I seem to be reflecting on lot of changes in myself.  I need to re-tune and recharge I think.  I've got some things I need to fix.

Firstly, I've been looking for a decent job for over a year now.  The fact that I haven't been able to find one seems to have taken a toll on my self-esteem.  I'm more negative than I used to be.  On one hand, I give other people a lot of credit and think they are all generally trying their hardest and are good, smart, worthwhile people.  Yet, I rarely extend this kind of understanding to myself.  I need to judge myself lightly. 

For another thing, I hardly ever see things in black and white anymore.  Even when I'm inclined to do so.  I usually think about what ever issue is on my mind until I've analyzed each side of it completely.  By this time I have a strong opinion but also a thorough understanding of the other sides.  On one hand, I think that other people would benefit from this kind of thought process.  On the other hand, this kind of contemplation is exhausting.

Another sad change is how much I think about money because of the fact that I never have it.  I have scribbled on the back of countless pieces of scrap paper how much I'll bring home a certain week and how much I will need to stay afloat.  The fact that I also want to be sociable or at least feel the need to want to be sociable, adds further costs and feelings of desperation.

I think the most upsetting change in me is I've lost my love of life.  I've gotten into a mode of just going through the motions.  I'm going to fix this.



I recently re-watched some videos that have stuck with me since I first watched them almost 9 months ago.  The topics discussed are confidence and self-esteem.  Some of the wisest points include sifting through the bullshit and paying attention to the things you tell yourself.  At the end of the pep-talk, this YouTuber assigns homework.  She advices the viewer to think about the positive things about themselves and think, "Cool.  I'm a good person."  So here's my little list:

1.)  I try my hardest to do the right thing.
2.)  I am wildly creative.
3.)  I am interesting.
4.)  I would be friends with me.
5.)  I have awesome taste in stuff.

Cool.  I'm a good person.